A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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