Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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