Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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