On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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