It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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