is your mom at the bar?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
