Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
