She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
