wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
