someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize