Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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