I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
a search helicopter?!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize