you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
