i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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