Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
