I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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