If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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