you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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