If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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