you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
