butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
