i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
