i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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