Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
