So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
