u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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