Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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