I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
