I am in a vortex of obligation.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Such a big mess for such a small penis
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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