You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize