he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
