I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
