I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
