i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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