dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
