what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
