No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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