What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
