I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
