the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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