Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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