I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
