I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
