I'm gonna have a badass scar
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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