its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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