ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
