it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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