I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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