I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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