dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
