the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Acid is not a monday night drug
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
