A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
