I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
