I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
