oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
