it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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